As I pondered the Martin Luther King Jr. national holiday, one of the things that struck me was his calls to his people to forgive those who had mistreated them, had sinned against them, and had used the bludgeon of the law to deny them full citizenship. He didn’t say that people should forget their history or ignore the past, but he implored them to forgive.

"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us."

I have certainly done things in my life for which I needed to be forgiven and have had acts perpetrated on me that called out for forgiveness as well. It is easy to ask someone for forgiveness in the thought that it will alleviate some of your own guilt. But it is much more difficult to offer forgiveness to others. I’ve been truly struck by the families of murder victims who offered forgiveness to someone who killed someone they loved. I’m not sure if I would have the strength to do that. If forgiveness is anything, it is a measure of strength.

King was referring to the power of forgiveness. That which we cannot forgive possesses us, dwelling in those dark recesses we don’t like to talk about much. I heard an elderly gentleman on the radio who had somehow reconnected with a woman he divorced 27 years before. They were exchanging honest emails about the wrongs they committed toward each other during their marriage. Twenty seven years! Your first thought is, “what is the need for that? Its in the past.” But as I thought about it I wondered if they were seeking after all those years a way to rub the scars and find it in their hearts to finally forgive each other.

Terri and I were talking about forgiveness the other day (Some day I need to write a post about the incredible breadth of our conversations), the things we thought we could forgive in a mate and the things we thought we couldn’t. The hardest person in the world to forgive can be one you love or once loved. Those violations of trust from someone you trusted deeply are very difficult to forgive. It has certainly taken me awhile. I could ask for forgiveness but it was truly a challenge to do it myself.

Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. Its not excusing or rationalizing. Its not “letting someone off the hook.” It is letting go in your own heart of the bile that festers and keeps you from having healthy relationships. Can you truly love someone while nursing an unbridled hatred for someone else? When you forgive it no longer has that power over you and neither does the person who wronged you. As Lewis Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

King has a point about there being good and bad in almost all of us. We like to demonize those who have wronged us, put them in that sub-human category which makes it easier to nurse our grudges and wallow in our self-pity. When someone has no redeeming qualities, why should you forgive them? You don’t feel a need to forgive a dog who bites you. It can seem more satisfying to keep rubbing that talisman of hatred which also serves the purpose of giving you someone you can compare favorably to. Of course, forgiveness sometimes requires you to look at your own shortcomings and take your own share of the blame. None of us like to do that. But time and reflection can be powerful tonic for the begrudged soul. King also said:

"Forgiveness is not an occasional act: it is an attitude."

If you’ve done me wrong….I forgive you. You can do the same for me and we’ll both feel better.
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