Today is the day we have decided to tell the children about the breakup of our marriage. We had decided to wait until school was out, not wanting the kids to have to deal with this during their last few days of school. I now fear that too many people know, too many conversations are taking place, and that they will pick up whats going on in an offhand way.

This will be the most difficult part of all. I am still dealing with my own grief, but I must find it within myself to talk to the kids about this without falling apart. They did nothing to deserve this. They are running and playing right now, content and happy in their little world. They are thinking about school next year, fun places to go this summer, trips to the park, who they are going to play with today. Now, all their assumptions about their lives are going to be turned upside down. Their little lives will have uncertainty that doesn't exist right now. What words or gestures can comfort them at a time like this?

It will be very difficult to explain because their mom and I still love each other. They have rarely heard us speak a cross word to each other. They still see us hugging, touching, and putting our arms around each other. How do you explain something like this when you don't even fully understand it yourself? How do you keep them from blaming themselves? How do you explain that love isn't always enough? How can you answer questions you don't know the answers to?

I love these kids with all my heart. Doing this to them will perhaps be the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I can paint them a rosy picture of what the future can be like. But they will feel a sense of loss, a pain, with an impact no one can know.

Damnit.
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