As I think about making lemonade out of the sour lemons I have right now, I ponder what I'm going to do with my life now. I have loved my wife dearly and still do. But there are things I put on hold because I always put my relationship with her first.

When we met over seven years ago I was an up-and-coming school administrator. I was considered a rising star in my profession, spoke at meetings and conferences on scheduling, curriculum, and technology, and was widely considered to have a bright future. But I was lonely, and this lovely woman came into my life. I quit my job, moved out of state to marry her, and left my old life behind. I took a non-demanding job outside of education and eventually got back into teaching. Even though she encouraged me from time to time, I resisted going back into school administration. That type of job takes up an enormous amount of time and I didn't want to be away from her and the kids. I also didn't want to burden her with having to deal with the kids and house by herself for all those evenings of football games, band concerts, and other activities. I dove back into teaching and have really enjoyed it. I'm a better teacher now than I was in my early years. But the ambition that once burned inside me died somewhere along the way. I was beginning work on my doctorate when we met, and I let that go as well. Once again, too much time involved.

Now that I'm going back home where I have family and friends to support me, I think of reviving that ambition. I enjoy being able to effect building wide change. I enjoy responsibility and decision making. When I was in administration, I missed teaching. Now that I'm teaching again, I miss the challenge of being in charge of a building.

First of all, I'm going to devote myself to my kids. Lee was a good mom to them, but sometimes I let her carry too much of the burden. Now that the burden is mine alone to bear again, I will work hard at becoming a better dad. My kids will need me more than ever, and I'm not going to let them down.

Secondly, I'm going to revive my career and set some goals. I'm not exactly sure what those are going to be yet but I'm not going to drift aimlessly along like I have been. I'm also going to think long and hard about going back for my doctorate.

There are other things I think I'd like to do as well...things I've put on the back burner for awhile. Its been a lifelong dream of mine to learn how to play the piano/keyboard...maybe its time for that. I want to learn HTML. I've dreamed about writing articles for a magazine. I think about writing a book..or two.

My marriage has been wonderful..loving and caring. But within that cocoon I lost sight of myself and what I wanted. I know I wanted to please my wife and make her happy. But what did I want? What were my goals and dreams? What was I doing about them? I believed that love conquered all. You know what? It doesn't.

I'll regret the loss of this marriage forever. I know that the sharp pain will some day be more of a dull ache. I will find the strength to focus and move on. I need to be more of what I once was...a guy who knew what he wanted and pursued it.

Lee told me recently, "you've been hiding for a long time". She is right.

My kids need their dad. I need to be the man I once was.
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