My friend Joel is right. At some point I need to "cowboy up", to have resolve, to deal with my current situation.

In some ways I've led a charmed life. I've had good friends, a wonderful and supportive family and a good education. I've never been without a job for more than a couple of weeks since I was 16 years old. I've never spent the night in a hospital, never broken a bone (except for my nose), never been seriously sick, have children that I dearly love, have never been fired from a job, and have no enemies that I know of. If I'm not counting my blessings I deserve a kick in the ass.

At this moment I'm dealing with grief unlike anything I've ever known. Many times I've said the same things to friends that others are saying to me now:

"Move on with your life"
"You might end up better off"
"It can be a new beginning for you"

You know the cliches as well as I do. It was always so easy for me to see other people's problems clearly. Now I need to focus my common sense and life experience on my new situation. I have two precious kids that need their dad to be strong.

I'm focusing a lot on the practical right now. Job searching is never fun, and its sure as hell not easy from thousands of miles away. I've had to update my resume, search for my transcripts, find copies of licenses and certificates, and begin thinking about how exactly I will be moving across the country. I have housing issues to consider. What possessions do I want to move? How do we separate our finances? Do I take the kids pets..if so, which ones? Where will I live?..the farmhouse is the first option but employment opportunities may dictate something else. Where will my kids go to school? Will their special ed program meet my son's needs? how will my daughter deal with the loss of the only real mom she has ever known?

When I focus on these things my grief seems manageable. But then I listen to my little girl planning activities six months away...activities that just won't happen now. I feel myself tearing up and leaving the room quickly. The kids haven't been told yet but they may sense that something is wrong. They have a week of school left and we didn't want to give them this to handle while still at school.

Yesterday was the last day for my seniors. I've taught this group of kids for three years and they are very special to me. I had a small speech in my head that I wanted to give them on our last day together. One of the girls had just gotten married and showed me her wedding pics. I asked the class to listen up and they fell silent, staring at me with the eyes of innocent youth. As I began talking I could feel my voice choking up and one of my girls said, "Mr. Stone, are you ok? You sound so sad"? I said, "no, I'm really not" and walked out into the hall. I was able to clean up myself enough to wish them well and tell them that I would see them at graduation.

In spite of it all I feel myself slowly gaining strength and resolve. There is too much at stake here for me to fail in a pool of pity and grief. Those emotions aren't going anywhere, but a simple fact remains.

Its time to cowboy up.

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