Statistics show that a large number of both men and women engage in infidelity in their marriages, to say nothing of those who stray in committed relationships not involving marriage. This has called many to question whether monogamy is a natural state of affairs, if all of the cheating going on is evidence of arrangements that go against people’s basic instincts. Consider a few of these findings:

90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.

But

Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)

What can we draw from this? It seems like a whole lot of us know it is wrong but do it anyway. Almost universally we disapprove of those who stray from their vows or their commitment. But in large numbers both men and women are unfaithful at least once during their marriages.

You could try to draw some inferences here. Most people believe that stealing is wrong, but billions of dollars per year are lost to the national treasury from people cheating on their income taxes. As in infidelity, people will acknowledge the immorality but find ways to justify the behavior. After all, the government does waste a lot of money and spends a lot of it on things some of us might not agree with. Of course, our wife doesn’t put out enough or our husband doesn’t pay enough attention. We human beings can rationalize almost anything.

But what if it is something more than that? What if monogamy is not a natural state as some have argued? Monogamy is rare in the animal kingdom, with only a handful of species that demonstrate this behavior over a long period of time. The difference of course is that we control our own behavior to a higher level than do the other mammals that populate this planet. We have the ability to reason, to ponder the difference between right and wrong, to consider the consequences of our actions beyond the moment. Is the fact that a large number of people also don’t engage in infidelity evidence of this advanced behavior, or is the large number that does evidence of its unnaturalness?

Don’t get me wrong. I think monogamous relationships are at the heart of society, perhaps the best way to achieve happiness during our short time here. The fact that it seems unnatural for so many in no way justifies the pain that treacherous infidelity causes so many people and so many families.

It is also unnatural not to just take everything we want regardless of the consequences. Social constraints and moral precepts prevent us from doing so but the instincts are there. Monogamy is something that lies along a similar vein. It is very highly likely that we will find ourselves attracted to someone else other than our significant other during our life, perhaps dangerously so. This by itself doesn’t make someone a bad or immoral person. But if we can’t control our feelings we can govern our actions, in spite of those instincts that burn inside of us, corroding our better judgment.

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